back to the abyss

If I had to try to describe the last two weeks in a single word I would say, “trying”. For whatever reason my back decided to get worse about two weeks ago, so I determined to go to the doctor again. He told me that sciatica can take up to 3 months to heal in severe cases. It has been 6 weeks for me. He did a couple quick tests and said it doesn’t seem like there is any really serious damage, and that it seemed like I had two herniated disks, but he couldn’t be sure without an MRI. He said if it isn’t better in 3,4 weeks come back and we’d make an appointment for the MRI. I also started seeing a chiropractor a couple times a week. I still haven’t determined if it is helping yet. Anyway, as a result I really haven’t been doing much of anything besides trying to rest…which is the absolute hardest part of the whole ordeal. There is so much I want to get started with. I can’t even do much studying because sitting is one of the worst things for my back.

Nevertheless, I’ve learned that God has a plan for everything that happens in our lives. I have pretty much always taken for granted that God gifted me with a strong body. Honestly I never considered the possibility that I would my physical abilities. So, these last few weeks have really cause me to think. Do I trust God with my whole life? Yes I trust Him with my eternal destiny, my finances, my physical circumstances, and so many other things…but do I trust that whatever He causes or allows in my life He allows because He is GOOD. I mean, if He decided to break my body and take my health from me would I still trust and serve Him? Not that I am being pessimistic about my situation, just saying What If. I had been thinking about this for a few days, and a couple days ago settled in my heart that “Lord, I am yours. If you make me a cripple, if you take everything from me, if you slay me I will praise you. I will serve you however YOU want me to serve you, no matter what that is”. After that I went to sleep with an overwhelming sense of peace. Well, less than two hours later the conviction of my dedication was tested. I woke up feeling very sick and started vomiting violently (for the first time in 12 years). I couldn’t go 10 minutes without throwing up. This continued for about two days. I am feeling a lot better now. You know what is strange about the whole event? Despite the fact that vomiting is probably the thing I hate and dread most in this life, the peace God gave me that night did not waiver. I did not question His Goodness or Providence in all that happened.

Sometimes we forget just how amazing, gracious, merciful, and good our God is. I am glad that he has taught me (and continues to teach me) to say like Job, “though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him”.

I had a cool picture to post, but the internet cafe is being picky...